Joxy’s tips for running a black majority church

Service times are approximate and should not be taken literally even though this is not made apparent on your gaily printed flyers. It is irrelevant whether you are conducting a seminar on time management, or preaching about the importance of being punctual in day- to-day interaction with others. The truth is that time (or other people’s time to be more specific), does not matter. When the pianist begins to play a tune as a cue for you to wind up the service, ignore him, or better still, imagine it is background music for your eloquence, and carry on preaching. There are people milling about outside, waiting to come into the next service. Don’t worry, they are well trained, they will wait their turn. The evening service will only end when your throat is hoarse from speaking`and not a moment before. So what if there are young children in the service who need proper rest before school the next day? So what if some people have to rely on public transport to get home and the night is fraught with danger? Time is nothing.

Plan a church event for every public or bank holiday. This is mandatory. The thought that people need to spend quality time with their families outside of church is anathema to you. It does not matter that you have no idea what the event will be, declare that there will be one. And announce daily that ‘You can not afford to miss it’. The same way that you announce to workers who have faithfully served through three or four morning services that they must not stay home in the evening, but come to church for the evening service too. Every waking moment that is not spent at work or in school must be spent in church. Relaxation is nothing.

Evangelism is no longer about reaching the unsaved. It is about getting people who are already committed to one church to attend yours. The message being preached at your event is going to be put across in a way they have never heard before. And so they must attend, despite being perfectly happy where they are. Why target non-adherents to the faith with your flyers? They are stubborn, and will not listen. It is easier to stick to your own kind. Those that can, preach. Those that can’t, hand out flyers. The mission fields are nothing.

Any church worker who is found attending a service in a rival different church must be summoned to a committee, and made to explain what led to the commission of such an act of treason. Is the food they are being fed here not good enough? The message not anointed enough? Do they want to remain in their positions? These questions must be asked. And answered. Fraternisation is verboten.

Deacons and other church officials are required to sit in the front rows, along with other distinguished personalities. A place for everyone, and everyone in their place. Their families can sit wherever they choose. The exception to this is if you happen to be a female deacon with a baby. Then you have to sit in the back rows with all the other mums and their squalling babies. Except of course if you are sensible enough to palm off your child to someone else for the duration of the service. It doesn’t matter if this someone else is your older daughter who has just turned 8. What is important is that you occupy your rightful position, and be seen to do so. As for those with tweenagers and teenagers, shebi they have their iPhones, Blackberries, iPads and other gizmos? Leave them huddled together at the back of the church while you sit in  front and soak in the sermon. Image is everything.

Impress upon the workers daily, how lucky they are to be able to serve in whatever office they occupy. If they are required to stay in church till unsociable hours, it does not matter. If this is causing tensions in their family lives, it is only because the other party is not truly saved. As for remuneration, doesn’t everyone know their reward is in heaven?

To be continued………..