UK Border Force

There is this program I watch. It is meant to show how the UK Border Force tackles illegal immigration. Compelling viewing, it highlights how the system works. If it were up to me, I would have edited the content slightly, but since they have made the decision to show me, tell me, I believe it is only fair to share what I have learned. And so, an alternative title for this post might just be… 

An idiot’s guide for illegal immigrants  

You have made it into the UK, one way or the other. You are fully aware that you have overstayed your visa. And that if caught, you will be deported. Here are some dos and don’ts.

  1. Obey the laws of the land. Fine, you are breaking the law anyway by being an overstayer. Do not compound it by sheer stupidity. Pay the appropriate fare on the buses, trains, tube etc. Quite a few people are picked up while trying to dodge their fares.
  2. Do not drive without a valid licence, Make sure the documentation for your car is current.  And resist the temptation to drive as if you are behind the wheel of a danfo. 
  3. Do keep your head down. Do not engage in activities that will draw unnecessary attention to you. Like driving around in a flashy car,
  4. Do carry yourself with confidence. Walk like you belong here. Practice walking past policemen without breaking into a sweat, a run, or both. So that the day you see immigration officers checking people as you are heading to your tube station, you can carry on walking without breaking your stride despite your mental turmoil. Your greatest threat does not come from the uniformed officers. It comes from the plain clothed ‘spotters’.  Yes, the people who are mingling in the crowd, just watching to see if you will break into a sweat, or try to run.
  5.  Never, ever, carry documents on you that will identify you as an overstayer. This includes letters from home asking how your job is going etc. If they can’t establish your real identity, it’ll be a lot harder to deport you.
  6. On being apprehended in spite of following steps 1 – 3 above, say for instance you are ambushed at work, do not give the immigration officers any incriminating information. They are not your friends, don’t start gisting with them.
  7. Do not have your passport at the address where you live. They need to see your passport to confirm a) your identity, and b) that you are an overstayer. Without your passport, their hands are tied. You can’t be deported. I think. So do not give them your passport. No matter how nicely they ask.  And if they do not find your address on your person, you do not have to give it to them. It’s not like they’ll allow you to take a change of clothing if you lead them to your house, all they want to do is gather evidence against you. Don’t make it easy for them.
  8.  Please, please, please. If all else fails, do not start begging. It is uncomfortable viewing seeing my countrymen kneeling down, and begging. Man up and face the music.
  9. Do try to remember your date of birth. By this I mean the date you are claiming you were born on. If you are over 35, there’s no point in claiming to be 17. Be realistic when choosing a date, and memorise it. When asked your age, don’t stutter.
  10.  If you are claiming to be a student, do show up at your course from time to time. Don’t get so caught up in chasing Charlie’s mother that you forget your cover story.
  11. If you intend to travel to the States from Nigeria to have your baby, choose a direct flight. Do not travel via the UK. Do not wait till you are almost popping before making your journey. There is this nice lady who works at the British High Commission in Lagos. Her job is to spot and stop people like you at Murtala Mohammad Airport. Even if you have valid visas. She has no business with you if you are flying direct to Yankee. If however, you decide to break your journey, you will not even make it unto the plane. She will pour sand into your gari. She will phone the Americans, and they will invite you for a chat. You will miss your flight, the Americans will cancel your visa. You have been warned.



This is all I can remember for now. This information is not legally binding. I am not an advocate of illegal immigration. If despite following the instructions above, you are deported, tough luck.






About Joxy

When I'm not cooking or thinking about cooking, then I'm writing, or thinking about writing. I love misdirection....nothing is ever what it seems!
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12 Responses to UK Border Force

  1. Spesh says:

    Lol @ 8……..thanks for sharing!

  2. justjoxy says:

    Hey Spesh, thanks for reading, for laughing.

  3. LucidLilith says:

    You know Big Brother also reads websites, right?

    • justjoxy says:

      Hi Lucidlilith, yep, I know. I am helping ‘him’ to summarise the information ‘he’ put out there. Like I said at the beginning, I would not have aired the programs without some serious editing, but since Big Bruv thinks it’s okay to let the mice know how to get out of the mouse trap, wetin be my own? Just helping ‘him’ to spread the word.

  4. I have always wondered about programmes and news reports that cover subjects in such detail that they unwittingly give all the information to would-be criminals.

    I don’t understand it myself.

    I have to agree with your point on getting your cover story and age right. It’s quite embarrassing to watch people stuttering over their age or what course they are studying at which college.

    Take care now

    • justjoxy says:

      The Wordsmythe, how now? My sentiments exactly. In this age of dumbing down, I guess they don’t credit their viewers with enough intelligence to join the dots. The stuttering is bad enough. What I find even worse is the ‘Please sir, I am begging you……’ Thanks for stopping by.

  5. Tee-hee! Very interesting points, I wonder if they have the equivalentt of pleading the 5th here in the UK? How about answering I’d rather not say when asked your age? I know one’s mind must go so blank that all rehersed info gets forgotten.

    I’ll add another one. Seek assylum on the basis of possible assasination.

    I watched an episode yesterday where an Indian man trying to smuggle in cigarettes (of all things) was apprehended. He claimed he would be killed if he returned home. The officials started to take that seriously, but then he went and poured sand in his own gari. Mumu!

    • justjoxy says:

      Hey Toks, there were so many things to pick up on, I thought I’d focus on the ones that might be of assistance to our peeps for now. I’ve recorded the one you’re talking about, will watch it later. How u dey? Thanks for stopping by.

  6. Lol! Love this. My FI and I watch UK Border Force religiously. It was particularly helpful {and comforting} when we were going through the wahala of getting his visa sorted, as it gave us jokes the kind of people who were trying to play the system.

    I have, however never known such a frustrating government department and would like to deal with them as little as possible in the future!

    • justjoxy says:

      Chichi, my sentiments exactly. It is appalling the way genuine applicants are mistreated and made to jump through various hoops, and the obvious scammers are greenlighted to carry on scamming. I’ve had my fair share of dealing with them, like you, the less, the better :). Thanks for reading.

  7. N says:

    Kai! This was all I needed to know? Lol!

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